Desperation Rears Its Ugly Head

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball... sometimes it throws you a big concrete brick... and when you really aren't ready - it shoots a bullet straight into your chest. And the pain is so deep you can't breathe or see or hear or put logical thoughts together. You can see the world continue on around you... but you can't quite put it in its place. I've heard about these feelings... I've even watched friends and family members describe this pain. But, until you go through it... I mean really go through it... you can't even imagine. I will never again utter the words "I know how you feel." I will never again tell someone "it's going to get better." I won't say, "You'll be fine." Next time, when someone describes these feelings to me... I am going to stop, and listen, and wrap my arms around them and tell them I would do anything to make it all go away. I will know that I can't... they will know that I can't... but I will never, ever say those stupid things we've all said.
I'm dizzy from the spinning that is going on in my head - because of the spinning that has been going on in my life. Why is it that one day... you wake up. You go through the same daily motions, stop by the same coffee shop, drive the same route to work, make the same phone calls... and all the while, you have no idea that this day is about to change everything you have ever known. How is it that you never know when it will be the last time you say "I love you" to someone... or the last time you say it to them and mean it the same way you did the day before. How is it that you will never know the last time you sleep in your bed... or the last time it will feel the same way it did the day before. How is it that the house you've lived in for five years and the life you've made with the person you once cared so deeply about is a memory and no longer a reality... and it seems to happen in a matter of a second.
Desperation has reared its ugly head and I'm in a nightmare. And although I am sure I know somewhere deep inside me that it will "all be ok"... I need a minute to be really sad, really mad, and really desperate... because right now, in this moment, it sure doesn't feel like it will be!